Ignorance Is Bliss

I refuse to live in bliss. I've always chosen to live in bliss. Bliss can only take you so far obviously on false pretenses. People tend to underestimate my knowledge and my power. I refuse to be made a fool out of. Always follow your gut instinct and your initial intuition for it will take you far. I'm a strong believer of everything that happens is ultimately for a good reason. You learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Music is listened to but music doesn't listen back. The bible listens and answers back.

I guess when you have nothing to say, your mind has thoughts that are too deep, too hard, too painful to bestow upon the human tongue or let alone the sanity of your own mind.

fin.

The Unexpected Life

So this is a little something I found on my Xanga that I wrote before I graduated. I had an assignment to give a toast to my fellow classmates and well here it is.

It’s official that my high school career has come to an end. The four years came as fast as a blink of an eye. High school is usually the climax of your life. It’s when you experience the highest limits of emotion quickly. You experience anger, fear, sadness, joy, disgust, surprise, curiosity, and acceptance. With these emotions that I’ve felt the strongest throughout these four years, I’ve tried my best to learn how to deal with each and every one of them maturely as an adult. I came to realize my future awaits me closely and I need to be ready for whatever it may bring. In order to do that I needed to learn how to deal with my emotions so they wouldn’t come in the way of my struggle to succeed in life. There were moments in my life where I reached each and every one of these emotions to their utmost potential. These moments were the unexpected.

I never expected having the chance to meet my dream celebrity but losing my best friend in the process. I never expected crashing my car and getting away with a lie. I never expected losing my childhood friendship. I never expected karma to bite me in the butt really good homecoming night. I never expected to feel so disappointed within myself. I never expected to be good friends with the jerk that didn’t put me on ASB. I never expected to be betrayed by the person I trusted the most. I never expected completely losing touch with my closest friends I had at church. I never expected breaking down multiple times uncontrollably in front of strangers. I never expected I’d ever be so vulnerable and open up so quickly. I never expected getting close to one of the most amazing girls I know during the Oklahoma production. I never expected befriending my worst enemies in Dragon Flicks. I never expected actually enjoying Dragon Flicks. I never would have expected one of my former childhood friends to be pregnant. I never expected long relationships that have lasted years to come to an end. I never expected a former teacher being murdered. I most definitely never expected high school to pass by so quickly.

And so the statement remains true that life is unexpected. I guess the greatest life lesson learned throughout the years of my high school career is to accept the fact life is unexpected. I will never be able to hold or control what the future has in store for me. I have to live with the fact that life isn’t predictable. You have to deal with situations on the spot. Most importantly you have to deal with them in a mature manner. I just hope I have finally gained that maturity as well as my classmates throughout these four years.

Despite all the downfalls to some these unexpected events they were what made my high school years. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t learn how to deal with life in the future. I’ve also learned and accepted the fact that friends come and go. It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve known them, it’s what you have benefited from the years of knowing them. I’ve also learned life is too short to hold grudges.

Graduation is only a few days away and I just wanted to say it’s not the end, it’s the beginning. It’s the beginning of our new lives; it’s our time to shine as individuals. It’s the most precious and greatest gift of all; it’s a chance to start over. It’s what I have been working so hard for. I officially can shed the skin and image of what people see as me now and be what I want to be without my past interfering. I wish everybody the greatest luck in their future.

oh high school how I don't miss you.

What Doesn't Kill Your Mother, Makes You Stronger

My parents were both raised in Cairo, Egypt. My father whom is 15 years older then my mother had us move here when I turned two. My mother never wanted to get married, it was practically enforced by her family and in a sense the culture she lived in. It's what you can title an "arranged marriage". My mother obviously didn't know what she was getting into. She was young and naive, however the number one in her life was God. My mom didn't know she was marrying smoking, short tempered, inconsiderate man. He lied about his age, he was actually 16 years older than her. He took her away from her family. She didn't see her mom for more than 10 years. Her grandmother, my great grandmother passed away, the woman who raised her since she was born died recently and she hadn't seen her since the day we left Egypt, 18 years ago. My mother struggled with raising me, since my father was extremely stubborn and claimed I wasn't his daughter when I did something wrong. My mother was very weak and soft spoken until she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She then realized her stress and resentment over my father got the best of her. Through the faith, love, and dedication she gave to God he rewarded her with strength to overcome the cancer. Through all this trauma and heartache she grew a backbone for her own good. I admire all that she went through and still have the desire to keep believing in God. The faith she had was unbreakable. As a matter a fact, her name is Iman which means faith.

It's been hard for me to communicate with my parents. We have different views and outlooks on everything. I was raised in a different environment with different mentalities. It's highly impossible to collaborate Egyptian society with American society. One of my most specific challenges is finding spirituality in American society. Growing up in a public school where there are teenagers having sex like it was a normal thing to have in a relationship without being married to their partner and where not having it was abnormal, 16 year olds having babies, drug and alcohol abuse, divorced and broken families. Whereas, for Egyptians that behavior is intolerable and unorthodox. It's come to Spirituality vs Reality. Reality is just there, spirituality is something someone must obtain or bring into reality. Bringing spirituality per say a specific religion into my own life and facing reality is one of the most difficult obstacles I've been facing all my life. There is just far too much controversy when it comes to religion, its irritating. Opinions are like assholes, everyones got one. Having that said, hence my irritation. I most definitely do not have the strength to argue with arrogant idiots nor do I have the will to follow the many restrictions religion comes with. How on earth am I suppose to argue when I'm still arguing with my toughest criticizer, myself. 

Writing this about my mother brought me back to the thought of how difficult it was for me to write a personal statement my senior year. I'll never forget that assignment. We had to write about a life changing ability. Without a thought my mother's diagnoses came to mind. Throughout her diagnosis, I never cried, it never quite hit me because I had been in denial. It's had been three years later and I sat there, in front of my computer screen, focusing and thinking about what she went through and how horrible my fathers side of the family treated her, how she didn't have her loving mother by her side, how I was too scared to comfort her, how much pain and agony she went through I instantly started sobbing. It killed me just think about writing the assignment, I couldn't and I never did it. Its now five years since her diagnosis, I've become stronger through my mother over the years. I feel accomplished that I have officially gotten over my biggest fear in writing this. I feel as if i've completed that assignment I couldn't bare to write. Writing caused me to feel, anger, regret, sorrow, pain, and selfishness. It's been something I've needed to get off my chest and face because being bottled up and not speaking out almost cost my mothers life, I won't let it threaten mine. 

***It was mandatory for me to take a script writing class if I ever wanted to consider going to CSUN, so I sucked it up and took TVR 17A at PCC. I honestly liked the exercises in the beginning, I just wasn't a fan in writing a full on 30 page script. I do however have a scene that I'm somewhat proud of, I'll have to post it up one day & get opinions. I'd just like to say I am officially certified in television production and I'm 3 classes away from my achievement certificate which I am so excited to obtain. However, two of the classes aren't offered in the fall and PCC isn't having a winter session and I don't know if it is offered in the summer. Yikes, I guess ill just have to find out.   

:)

Shakira - She Wolf

Shaggy - Wasn't Me

Linkin Park - Numb

Jay-Z feat Kanye West & Rihanna - Run This Town

Dorrough Music - Ice Cream Paint Job

Been There. Done That. Messed Around.

Been There. Done That. Had Beef. Won That.

Today was an decent alright day. I saw Seth Rogen, whom is by far the funniest interview I have ever seen on Jimmy Kimmel. He was promoting his new movie 'Funny People'. The exclusive clip was hilarious. I was watching this special on the movie on Comedy Central really late the night before and it looks better than I expected.

Everything was alright, not really planning on getting to deep with this blog considering the fact I have to wake up at 10:30am and its hitting 4:00am as we speak. I just wanted to say I'm going to make some posts from my Xanga and put them on here that I think deserve to be on here.

I'm just really bummed that my precious new car got hit by some dumb ass that doesn't know the damn distance he should keep behind a BRAND NEW CAR. I was stopped at a red light and asshole just love taps me on my bumper. I just got super irritated considering the fact he is in a SUV Mercedes and has headlight bars you would learn by now to KEEP YOUR DISTANCE MORON.  

Alright, time to go night night. I need to get a lot done this weekend. I still got 100 more hours of interning & two other jobs that I need to request time off at. I need to deposit my check. I need to get my Central Casting on Monday. I need to write my internship essay. I need to take my English placement test at Citrus. I got to get into an English class or else I am screwed. I need some Advil right about now.

Au Revoir.

OH cannot forget...

La Roux - Bulletproof

Taking Back Sunday - Sink Into Me

Beatfreakz - Somebody's Watching Me

Nena - 99 Red Ballons

Silversun Pickups - Panic Switch

If You Ain't First You're Last.

ya mean.

I officially do not know what to do with myself. I find myself in the same position I was when I was single. 

Unhappy, unfulfilled, and unwanted.

There has only been one guy I've ever had feelings for. The reason why I don't call them 'true' feelings is because I dont even know if theyre even for the right reasons. 

Something just something that is more than meets the eye when it comes to this boy. I love the way he says my name, I HATE MY NAME with a passion, but something in the way he says it makes me melt. No one in the world has ever made me feel that way about my name. I just knew something was different the moment he said my name. I love his voice. I love the way he talks. I love how he's nothing near serious. I love his smile, his perfect teeth, and his irresistible body. I love the way he makes me feel when I'm with him. I love his laugh. I love spending time with him. i love when he holds me. i love our inside jokes. i love how he does everything i want. i love when he calls me beautiful. I love when he kisses me. I love when he textes me 'hey whats up'. I love when he asks me 'what are these called?'. i love when we drive around and do nothing. i love watching movies with him. i love the way he whistles. i love the way he walks. i love his warm hugs. i love how he makes fun of me. I love how i'm never angry around him. i love how im never annoyed aorund him. i love how im never pissed around him. i love how im always HAPPY.  

I hate when he's not there. I hate the way he makes me feel when he doesn't give me attention. I hate that every girl wants him. I hate that I never know when is going to be the last time i'll ever see him before we go MIA on each other for months. I hate when everything is great and he comes back in the picture and everything falls to pieces. i hate that I'm a mess without him. i hate that he's the only person i feel like this about. i hate that i care about him so much. i hate that i just cant let him go. i hate that he's a memory i can never erase. i hate that i have to write lame blog entries like this to express myself. i hate that if he saw this he would get scared away. I hate when he leaves the picture without a notice. i hate that i dont trust him. i hate how i cant read his mind. i hate how i will never know how he feels about me. i hate that i cant fall in love with anyone else. i hate that his the one i compare others to. i hate that he probably doesn't feel the same. i hate that i'll never know.

we've been on and off since 2006.

we've never been in a relationship & i never would get in one with him.

if you know me, i come off as heartless, careless, and selfish.

if you know me around him, i'm full of love, careful, and giving.

to me, he's like the next best thing next to edward cullen.

with the world im angry, when im with him im happy.

with the world im a bitch, when im with him im a sweetheart.

with the world im depressed & alone, with him im happy & wanted.

with the world im dead, when im with him im alive.

pictures stay people dont.

i'd give anything to fall out of love with you.

its pathetic.

just rubbish.

Super Swine Summer

I'm going to try to remember my spring break. I've totally have been lagging to update. so I'm grateful I'm home early with energy.

Friday: I went to my interview for interning at Jimmy Kimmel Live. & yes you're looking at Jimmy Kimmel's new intern :] I'm so excited to start. I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing because honestly I have no idea. Here's a brief description of apparently what it is:

"INTERNSHIPS OPPORTUNITIES

We are looking for college students in the Los Angeles area who can receive college credit for an internship. We encourage students with a great work ethic and initiative to apply. Our Interns gain experience in event planning, promotions, television production, casting, and audience coordination."

So there. Suck it & don't ask me again. I'll tell you more once I start.

haha, wait I just found this.

Saturday: Went to church at 1am since it was holy week & it was easter eve for Coptic Christian Orthodox or is Christian Coptic Orthodox. Stayed there till about four in the morning. They had men/boys reading stories out of the bible, so I texted Nicole (with no H) who was sitting right next to me and I asked why aren't their any women reading? And she simply replied:

4-18-09 Niggie

psh nigga we're orthodox. meaning we havent changed. meaning we're in the place where women have no rights and arent allowed to learn how to read

Haha, she's hilarious. She's on the list of women I would marry. Its so true. My church is beyond strict. Grown lenient over the years but they're still uptight with the whole men on one side women on the other. Egyptian men marry women for looks, Egyptian women marry for money and in the end the looks are gone & the money has vanished and you're left with a miserable marriage. Oh, the excuse of inconsolable differences is not an option.

haha, oh man. I'm second to the left standing up and Niggie is two more to the left.

My church is purely gorgeous. It had just opened that year in 2005. 

ubkayibfobmike.

Okay, wow I wrote way too much for one and half days. Just some more and I'll go to Sunday.

4-18-09 Bitch Lover 3:49pm

dude im pissed. you know the guy i know that works at the liquor store down the street? he had 4 coachella tickets for yesterday and he would have GIVEN them to me for FREE if he would have seen me. how fucking lame!

Kill Me. Can I just please cry myself to a slow death? I can't believe we missed all that. Oh well. Ill just wait another year.

I worked till forever and went shopping bought the cutest dress however didn't bother to take any pictures that night because my charger had been missing for awhile and was nowhere to be found, but I realized it was neatly put in my drawer when I cleaned my room. Honestly, why is it easier for me to find things when my room is a disaster.

Went to church, IN-N-OUT since the 56 day fast was over. I only handled 4 weeks before I ended up in my death bed for a good two weeks possibly because of it. 

That looks so disgustingly delicious.

Sunday: Finally. Orthodox Easter. Nothing bomb happened really. Went to a Bonelli park. Wore white shorts BIG MISTAKE. & it was BUGS GALORE. I was so excited to leave and shower. I went home and KNOCKED OUT in my bra and underwear since it was ridiculously hot.

Monday: Worked on a amazing kick ass script with Brian. We finished half of it. It just had to be a scene & trust me its an AMAZING ONE. Went home cruising with Nick & Amanda. Figured out I really hate needy slutty sluts. I didn't feel good so I went home.

Tuesday: I woke up early, which is super rare. Probably because I felt sick to my stomach the other night. Myrna texted me to go with her and her friend Collen to Ontario Mills. Went crazy shopping. Bought three pairs of shorts. Nick's car overheated. Wasn't a pretty day. Saw Kalen for like 5 seconds before hot happenings & silent whispers. 

Wednesday: Total overcast, went to the beach with Kalen and her friends Oliver&Alex. Had a amazing burger. Kalen's car was not being nice so she had to go home, but me Oliver&Alex went to a pool party. Turned out to be at one of my classmates Dominique's house. What a small world. Almost ran over a family of 5 trying to pick up Nick. Had a breakdown. Thats all I remember.

there is a ginormous cheeto puff in my mouth.

want one?

smile<3

girls, girls, girls.

Thursday: Monica is a jerk that falls asleep out of nowhere all the time because she wakes up when I sleep. My straighter broke so I went and bought this ceramic Revlon one from K-Mart. Not to shabby. Went to the mall to get the sensor off this shirt I bought that the lady forgot to take off & also make a credit card payment. Bought some cute shoes. Went to work till forever then went to Nick's.

Friday: Went to Glendale Galleria with Nicole and Michelle. I was so exhausted. I bought some other cute pair of shoes that nicole has in her car & an adorable necklace at Forever 21. Then me & Nicole went and got some amazing Teriyaki Chicken. Hardcore FOOD COMA. I went home & fell asleep immediately. I was suppose to go to church with Nicole, but she hates me. I was sooooo tired.

I was completely intrigued by the ceiling 

& the walls. That frame needs to be horizontal. It would make so much more sense that way.

She's a sexy mamma jamma.

I want to steal those shoes from her.

Wassup cuties.

Hahahahaha.

Saturday: I woke up and worked a 8 hour shift at Abercrombie. That was deadly. Michelle worked  a little with me :] & I picked up some hours at the new Abercrombie Kid's thats opening. Hung out with Sammy for a bit, he put thousands of songs on my iPod. I was super tired, but I went and saw Nicholas.

best money I've ever spend was on the iTouch.

Sunday: Had to finish my script with Brian. Met up at starbucks & thankfully finished. If it wasn't so personal I'd post it. Work called me in. Stalked Nicholas outside of work. Saw him for a bit then went home NOT looking forward to school.

Monday: Super late to school as usual.

4-27-09 William Escobar 11:20am

Where are u lazy daisy

Wow, which is weird because I could honestly slaughter the living life out of this girl named Daisy at my work. I usually ignore her because everyone knows she's just a dumb bitch that thinks she's a sexy model. 

I honestly don't mind admitting if a bitch or a girl I hate is pretty, but this one is HIDEOUS. I literally almost puked in my mouth getting close to her face.

Well the reason why that text just totally freaked me out is because that day was the day I totally snapped on her ass.

I called work to talk to a manager and inform them I was going to be late because I was getting paperwork for my internship. Just my luck, dumb bitch answers. Puts me on hold for a good 2 songs. Then out of nowhere picks up and hangs up. I call back furious and same dumb bitch answers. Straight up HANGS UP ON MY FACE. I flip the hell out and call one more time.

Finally someone else answers and I get to speak to a manager. Complain about her dumb ass. I honestly can't refer her to any other name dumb bitch suites her well. Well the names i'd like to call her are harsh I'm trying to keep it clean here.

I get to work start complaining to another manager, the one she constantly brown noses & attempts to look sexy for by laying on counters while he counts money. I speak to him a little more & she bumps into me with a stack of jeans I flip out and scream EXCUSE YOU. Then later I throw a stack a clothes on this pile she was folding down and she replied "HEY, are you kidding me?" I enjoy and walk away. It's the go back table, bite me. 

I go back in the stock room to grab my iPod and she came out of nowhere in the hallway probably attempting to suck my managers dick. We bumped into each other so she was like "What the hell is your problem?" I'm like "Sweetie, you bumped into me. You also hung up on my face twice, what's your problem?" She attempts to explain it wasn't her fault and it simply got disconnected. I just kept laughing not believing a single word she's trying to feed me with a whole bunch of 'yeahhhhhhhhhs' & 'sureeeeeeeeeee that happened' as my replies. She gets pissed and screams 'GROW THE FUCK UP' and scatters off all quickly to the back to probably to suck more dick. 

Haha, man I feel like a child. 

Let me clarify though, IM NOT SHIT TALKING, just simply sharing my drama of the day stories.    

Honestly though, if you've been a bitch your whole life. OWN UP TO IT. I don't understand why she isn't prideful. She's so damn good at it. She has the capability of making every girl hate her & baby girl ITS NOT JEALOUSY, you're just a DUMB BITCH. You have no people skills, I don't understand how you have friends, let alone a BOYFRIEND. Do us all a favor get a nose job & pop a fresh mint. A little chapstick wouldn't hurt & clothes that aren't see through.

Haha, wait now I'm talking shit.

Oh, no no no just stating an opinion. Giving some advice for her own good.

Hahaha, okay I'm done. 

Goodnight. 

TOP 5 songs

MGMT - Kids

Oasis - Wonderwall

Fall Of Troy - F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X

Fall Out Boy - Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

Fall Out Boy - Love Will Tear Us Apart

Can this swine influenza go away already. I've had enough stressing with mad cow disease, west nile, bird flu and now this.

FML. 

 

Stay, Don't Stray

I'm totally back in love with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs song Maps. 

I was driving home from Nicholas's house and it just happened to go on the radio right when he texted me this.

4-22-09 Bitch Lover 12:50am

Is it me or does this relationship feel like its really blooming. I think we're finally trying to push aside being stubborn and trying to make things go both our ways. I feel this insane spark right now in this. I mean I look at you every day and say to myself "my god, how did I get this lucky, I mean she's so gorgeous" I feel so alive with you, and I'm trying to be better. Your my world, you always will be.

My heart melted & the beat of the song choked me up I almost cried hysterically, but romeo was waiting for me at the door & I couldn't bare but to smile when I see my precious chihuahuas face. 

I need to post a blog about how amazing and life changing it is when having a dog in your life.

Anyways, so I texted my friend Ashley that I'm so blessed to have met and told her I missed her and how good music reminds me of her and how much I wanted to hear her insight on the recent songs I've been falling in love with. Haha, besides saying it was the sweetest thing she's ever heard she replied this :] 

4-22-09 Ashley 1:51am

My opinions of music have changed. Haha. Its not something that needs to be explained. just felt.

WOW, hence why I want to marry her. 

So my goal is to film and edit something insane & make a baby music video for it. The major challenge, I'm going to try it using my piece of shit Sony Cybershot 7.2MP digital camera. I just want to see how far I can get creatively without high quality equipment. In other words, IM BROKE & I gotta work with what I got.

At least cute & pink. You can't get frustrated with something cute & pink, its unethical.

So, I want to start this top 5 songs of the day, here it goes.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Maps

Muse- Super Massive Blackhole

Lily Allen - Smile Remix

Lifehouse- Hanging By The Moment

Rilo Kiley- I Never

download it. listen to it. love it.

"LEARN IT. KNOW IT. LIVE IT." - Fast Times At Ridgemont High

Alright goodnight.

One more picture & I'm out. 

Stay, Don't Stray.

they don't love you like i love you.